From the Frontline

The true challenge of a blogging journalist: can he give up to date news on a national election? Not if his blog is blocked by the IT department at his office on the grounds that it has porno pictures of Hillary Clinton. I wrote the headlines down anyway...


Friday Afternoon Dispatches

Early results say Besigye feeding Museveni dust in Kampala, but Kagu severing Warren’s privates off in upcountry polling stations

Bwanika getting votes. Weather forecast in hell: Freezing over expected.

Jeff Koinange reports on elections for CNN. He still sounds like his mouth is full of toilet paper.
RadioKatwe posts one-word headline: “Psyche!”

New Vision and Monitor websites inaccessible. Too much traffic. Banned Radio Katwe website easily accessed through backdoor channels. Irony of ironies.

Lugambo says Kagu is actually losing and Warren has been spotted doing the cabbage patch in FDC offices.

President Museveni's legal assistant Fox Odoi appears on front of Page One of the Monitor holding an automatic firearm over bunch of guys lying shirtless and bound and writhing on the ground like those chickens you buy in bulk for Christmas. Even if Odoi swears that they were serial killers who wanted to bomb the ballot stations, we don’t care. He is not Jack Bauer and that is fucking barbarian behaivior. Idiot.

Where is Nsaba Buturo?


Saturday Dispatches

It is official: Kagu has won. Statement from NRM camp: In your FACE! Statement from FDC Camp: Thirty seven point what? Thirty-seven point my ass!

Statement from public after Warren rejects results: Do I look surprised?

Some fool lobs petrol bomb at innocent people because he thinks this is what the country needs. Blogger hopes they put him in the same cell as Fox Odoi and two big mandingo apes.

Blogger, furthermore, would like to reassure any security agents reading this that he was kidding about the whole post-election violence thing in the previous post. Just kidding.

Monday dispatches

Everybody in love with dark horse independent Abed Bwanika: He signs up to do adverts for Crane Bank, Woolworths, MTN etc. Radio stations jostling to get him on their morning shows. Gaetano suddenly history.

Still no violence. Apparently Besigye supporters too pussy.

Car backfires outside. Everybody ducks under desks. Previous snarky remark about Besigye supporters hastily rescinded.


More as the story develops