Tuesday, February 28, 2006
I may have forgotten to mention (PLUG!!)
This Cheap-ass freeserver website here won't be a total waste of time. Go on. I don't plug lame stuff. Go on. I know, I know but trust me. Click this: www.uptown.freeservers.com
From the Frontline
The true challenge of a blogging journalist: can he give up to date news on a national election? Not if his blog is blocked by the IT department at his office on the grounds that it has porno pictures of Hillary Clinton. I wrote the headlines down anyway...
Friday Afternoon Dispatches
Early results say Besigye feeding Museveni dust in Kampala, but Kagu severing Warren’s privates off in upcountry polling stations
Bwanika getting votes. Weather forecast in hell: Freezing over expected.
Jeff Koinange reports on elections for CNN. He still sounds like his mouth is full of toilet paper.
RadioKatwe posts one-word headline: “Psyche!”
New Vision and Monitor websites inaccessible. Too much traffic. Banned Radio Katwe website easily accessed through backdoor channels. Irony of ironies.
Lugambo says Kagu is actually losing and Warren has been spotted doing the cabbage patch in FDC offices.
President Museveni's legal assistant Fox Odoi appears on front of Page One of the Monitor holding an automatic firearm over bunch of guys lying shirtless and bound and writhing on the ground like those chickens you buy in bulk for Christmas. Even if Odoi swears that they were serial killers who wanted to bomb the ballot stations, we don’t care. He is not Jack Bauer and that is fucking barbarian behaivior. Idiot.
Where is Nsaba Buturo?
Saturday Dispatches
It is official: Kagu has won. Statement from NRM camp: In your FACE! Statement from FDC Camp: Thirty seven point what? Thirty-seven point my ass!
Statement from public after Warren rejects results: Do I look surprised?
Some fool lobs petrol bomb at innocent people because he thinks this is what the country needs. Blogger hopes they put him in the same cell as Fox Odoi and two big mandingo apes.
Blogger, furthermore, would like to reassure any security agents reading this that he was kidding about the whole post-election violence thing in the previous post. Just kidding.
Monday dispatches
Everybody in love with dark horse independent Abed Bwanika: He signs up to do adverts for Crane Bank, Woolworths, MTN etc. Radio stations jostling to get him on their morning shows. Gaetano suddenly history.
Still no violence. Apparently Besigye supporters too pussy.
Car backfires outside. Everybody ducks under desks. Previous snarky remark about Besigye supporters hastily rescinded.
More as the story develops
Friday Afternoon Dispatches
Early results say Besigye feeding Museveni dust in Kampala, but Kagu severing Warren’s privates off in upcountry polling stations
Bwanika getting votes. Weather forecast in hell: Freezing over expected.
Jeff Koinange reports on elections for CNN. He still sounds like his mouth is full of toilet paper.
RadioKatwe posts one-word headline: “Psyche!”
New Vision and Monitor websites inaccessible. Too much traffic. Banned Radio Katwe website easily accessed through backdoor channels. Irony of ironies.
Lugambo says Kagu is actually losing and Warren has been spotted doing the cabbage patch in FDC offices.
President Museveni's legal assistant Fox Odoi appears on front of Page One of the Monitor holding an automatic firearm over bunch of guys lying shirtless and bound and writhing on the ground like those chickens you buy in bulk for Christmas. Even if Odoi swears that they were serial killers who wanted to bomb the ballot stations, we don’t care. He is not Jack Bauer and that is fucking barbarian behaivior. Idiot.
Where is Nsaba Buturo?
Saturday Dispatches
It is official: Kagu has won. Statement from NRM camp: In your FACE! Statement from FDC Camp: Thirty seven point what? Thirty-seven point my ass!
Statement from public after Warren rejects results: Do I look surprised?
Some fool lobs petrol bomb at innocent people because he thinks this is what the country needs. Blogger hopes they put him in the same cell as Fox Odoi and two big mandingo apes.
Blogger, furthermore, would like to reassure any security agents reading this that he was kidding about the whole post-election violence thing in the previous post. Just kidding.
Monday dispatches
Everybody in love with dark horse independent Abed Bwanika: He signs up to do adverts for Crane Bank, Woolworths, MTN etc. Radio stations jostling to get him on their morning shows. Gaetano suddenly history.
Still no violence. Apparently Besigye supporters too pussy.
Car backfires outside. Everybody ducks under desks. Previous snarky remark about Besigye supporters hastily rescinded.
More as the story develops
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
The Smell of Democracy in The Morning
Okay Ugandans, the general elections take place tomorrow. We don’t have much time left so, here are your voting guidelines. Pay attention.
Wake up early on Voting Day to take full advantage of this rare and hard-won opportunity called Democracy—wake up at five-thirty in the morning so that you can have enough time to prepare a big enough saucepan of katogo. There are going to be queues of hungry voters at the polling station all morning long. That is money, and it could be yours. Remember, it is your right.
Those who were present at the planning meeting will have received their share or pre-marked ballot papers. Make sure all the wads are safely concealed in your jacket sleeves, pockets and down your trousers (for the men. For the women, make sure you wear trousers, and stuff the premarked ballot papers down them). When you get to the ballot box, discreetly stuff as many as you can through the slot as the agents demonstrated during the training sessions.
Many of you may be too hasty to conclude that after voting, you have finished electing and may therefore commence the stone-throwing immediately. Please, restrain yourselves. Post-election violence should not begin until AFTER the results are announced.
Got it? Fine. Let’s get this show on the road.
Wake up early on Voting Day to take full advantage of this rare and hard-won opportunity called Democracy—wake up at five-thirty in the morning so that you can have enough time to prepare a big enough saucepan of katogo. There are going to be queues of hungry voters at the polling station all morning long. That is money, and it could be yours. Remember, it is your right.
Those who were present at the planning meeting will have received their share or pre-marked ballot papers. Make sure all the wads are safely concealed in your jacket sleeves, pockets and down your trousers (for the men. For the women, make sure you wear trousers, and stuff the premarked ballot papers down them). When you get to the ballot box, discreetly stuff as many as you can through the slot as the agents demonstrated during the training sessions.
Many of you may be too hasty to conclude that after voting, you have finished electing and may therefore commence the stone-throwing immediately. Please, restrain yourselves. Post-election violence should not begin until AFTER the results are announced.
Got it? Fine. Let’s get this show on the road.
Saturday, February 11, 2006
Police Arrest Hot Girls
Story in the New Vision. With Scandalous Pictures!
CONCERNED CITIZEN: Hello? Police? Emergency! Emergency! Come quick, they are right outside!
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Calm down ma’am. What is going on? Is anyone trying to hurt you?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: There’s a gang of criminals in Wandegeya! Come quick!112
EMERGENCY OPERATOR: What are they doing? Are they badass bank robbers like Latifah in Set It Off?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: No, not exactly…
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Are they wielding guns like Andie Macdowell in Bad Girls?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: I didn’t watch that movie, but they don’t have guns.
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Don’t worry. I am the only one who watched that movie, it seems. What are they doing?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: They are committing sexiness! Help us! We are being attracted!
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Don’t worry ma’am. We’ll be right there. (OPERATOR SPEAKS INTO INTERCOM) Attention all units. We have a code red 124 in progress at Wandegeya roundabout. Civilians at risk.
COP IN THE FIELD: Dispatch, this is Detective Rosco. I’m in Kalerwe right now. I can be in Wandegeya in two minutes.
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: What are you waiting for detective? Drop that donut and move it! Hurry, before innocent people get hurt!
SIRENS: Wooowooowooowoo!ThefuckoutofthewaymanWoooowooowooowoo!
COP FROM THE FIELD TO OTHER COP ON THE SCENE: (FLASHING BADGE) Detective Roscoe, sexiness squad. What do we have here?
OTHER COP ON THE SCENE: Good thing you’re here, Detective. I was just about to call for backup. You got here just in time. It’s a gang of women committing a 124—premeditated public sexiness.
ROSCO: How bad is it?
OTHER COP ON THE SCENE. HE IS A SERGEANT: See for yourself. They are wearing hot pants and… and tank tops!
ROSCO: Oh no. It’s a code red with lethal apparel. Cover me. I’m going in.
SERGEANT: Detective, no. It’s too dangerous.
ROSCO: Sergeant, somebody’s got to protect the citizens from those tank tops. Cover me. That’s an order.
ROSCO (ON MEGAPHONE): Attention criminals! This is the police. We have you surrounded. Drop your weapons and surrender… No! Don’t drop your hot pants! Keep your weapons in place and surrender.
LUMUMBISTS WHO HAD GATHERED: Boo! Let them drop the weapons!
ROSCO: Step aside creeps, or I will have you taken in for aiding and abetting.
ONE OF THE CHICKS: You’ll never take us alive copper!
ANOTHER ONE OF THE CHICKS: Yeah! We have curves and we are not afraid to use ‘em!
ROSCO: Sergeant, it looks like we are dealing with a gang of hardened sexiness criminals. Call in the SWAT Team.
(SWAT team rolls in. There is a scuffle. One SWAT team member is seen asking one of the chicks for her phone number.)
SWAT LEADER: Man down! Man down!
Scuffle continues. The girls are subdued.
ROSCO: We got ‘em. Cover them all with busutis. That’s the end of the deadly dozen! We have all twelve of them in custody.SERGEANT: Um, detective, did you say, dozen?
ROSCO: Yeah. The dirty dozen, the red pants gang, the provocative posse, the skimpy squad, the titillating team….
SERGEANT: We only have eleven girls here, detective.
ROSCO: Oh no! The ringleader has escaped! To form another gang and strike again when we least expect it??
Stay tuned for the next episode
Story in the New Vision. With Scandalous Pictures!
THE Police yesterday arrested 11 skimpily-dressed girls who were
advertising a new radio station, Hot 1009 FM, at the Wandegeya junction. Clad in
body-hugging red-hot pants and navel-exposing tank tops, the girls were armed
with brochures and posters, some of which they seductively tucked in their
pants. The girls’ arrest followed enormous complaints from members of the public
about their attire that was perceived as indecent, Wandegeya CID chief Rashid
Obbo, who ordered their arrest, said yesterday.
CONCERNED CITIZEN: Hello? Police? Emergency! Emergency! Come quick, they are right outside!
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Calm down ma’am. What is going on? Is anyone trying to hurt you?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: There’s a gang of criminals in Wandegeya! Come quick!112
EMERGENCY OPERATOR: What are they doing? Are they badass bank robbers like Latifah in Set It Off?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: No, not exactly…
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Are they wielding guns like Andie Macdowell in Bad Girls?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: I didn’t watch that movie, but they don’t have guns.
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Don’t worry. I am the only one who watched that movie, it seems. What are they doing?
CONCERNED CITIZEN: They are committing sexiness! Help us! We are being attracted!
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: Don’t worry ma’am. We’ll be right there. (OPERATOR SPEAKS INTO INTERCOM) Attention all units. We have a code red 124 in progress at Wandegeya roundabout. Civilians at risk.
COP IN THE FIELD: Dispatch, this is Detective Rosco. I’m in Kalerwe right now. I can be in Wandegeya in two minutes.
112 EMERGENCY OPERATOR: What are you waiting for detective? Drop that donut and move it! Hurry, before innocent people get hurt!
SIRENS: Wooowooowooowoo!ThefuckoutofthewaymanWoooowooowooowoo!
COP FROM THE FIELD TO OTHER COP ON THE SCENE: (FLASHING BADGE) Detective Roscoe, sexiness squad. What do we have here?
OTHER COP ON THE SCENE: Good thing you’re here, Detective. I was just about to call for backup. You got here just in time. It’s a gang of women committing a 124—premeditated public sexiness.
ROSCO: How bad is it?
OTHER COP ON THE SCENE. HE IS A SERGEANT: See for yourself. They are wearing hot pants and… and tank tops!
ROSCO: Oh no. It’s a code red with lethal apparel. Cover me. I’m going in.
SERGEANT: Detective, no. It’s too dangerous.
ROSCO: Sergeant, somebody’s got to protect the citizens from those tank tops. Cover me. That’s an order.
ROSCO (ON MEGAPHONE): Attention criminals! This is the police. We have you surrounded. Drop your weapons and surrender… No! Don’t drop your hot pants! Keep your weapons in place and surrender.
LUMUMBISTS WHO HAD GATHERED: Boo! Let them drop the weapons!
ROSCO: Step aside creeps, or I will have you taken in for aiding and abetting.
ONE OF THE CHICKS: You’ll never take us alive copper!
ANOTHER ONE OF THE CHICKS: Yeah! We have curves and we are not afraid to use ‘em!
ROSCO: Sergeant, it looks like we are dealing with a gang of hardened sexiness criminals. Call in the SWAT Team.
(SWAT team rolls in. There is a scuffle. One SWAT team member is seen asking one of the chicks for her phone number.)
SWAT LEADER: Man down! Man down!
Scuffle continues. The girls are subdued.
ROSCO: We got ‘em. Cover them all with busutis. That’s the end of the deadly dozen! We have all twelve of them in custody.SERGEANT: Um, detective, did you say, dozen?
ROSCO: Yeah. The dirty dozen, the red pants gang, the provocative posse, the skimpy squad, the titillating team….
SERGEANT: We only have eleven girls here, detective.
ROSCO: Oh no! The ringleader has escaped! To form another gang and strike again when we least expect it??
Stay tuned for the next episode
Thursday, February 9, 2006
As you have been lost?
The most popular blog event, the one entry that appears on more blogs than any other, is this:
“I know I have not been updating for a while…”
This is usually followed by a lame excuse and the reader sneering, “Yeah right. I give and I give and I give and you don’t even seem to care. I am beginning to feel unappreciated, like I am the only one trying to make this relationship work.”
Well, I am a blogger, so it is time I did what all bloggers do: I know I haven’t been updating for a while…
But wait. I have a good excuse. In fact, I have a GREAT excuse.
Porno.
Apparenty, I have been naughty.
If you can't read it it says "http: //ernest-bazanye.blogspot.com is in the blacklisted porn category."
Well, the true story is that I usually do the blog at work while I wait for the stress to go down and the feeling to return to my legs. Now the office I.T. people seem to have decided that blogs depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct; appeal to prurient interest, and, taken as a whole, lack serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.
That is one definition of pornography that is close, I guess, if I remember my Media Law classes correctly, to the one in the Uganda Penal Code.
“I know I have not been updating for a while…”
This is usually followed by a lame excuse and the reader sneering, “Yeah right. I give and I give and I give and you don’t even seem to care. I am beginning to feel unappreciated, like I am the only one trying to make this relationship work.”
Well, I am a blogger, so it is time I did what all bloggers do: I know I haven’t been updating for a while…
But wait. I have a good excuse. In fact, I have a GREAT excuse.
Porno.
Apparenty, I have been naughty.
If you can't read it it says "http: //ernest-bazanye.blogspot.com is in the blacklisted porn category."
Well, the true story is that I usually do the blog at work while I wait for the stress to go down and the feeling to return to my legs. Now the office I.T. people seem to have decided that blogs depict or describe, in a patently offensive way, sexual conduct; appeal to prurient interest, and, taken as a whole, lack serious literary, artistic, political, or scientific value.
That is one definition of pornography that is close, I guess, if I remember my Media Law classes correctly, to the one in the Uganda Penal Code.
Tuesday, February 7, 2006
The Hip Hop President Part II
Trevor Smith Jr is a rapper who performs under the name Busta Rhymes
James Todd Smith is a rapper who performs under the name LL Cool J
Will Smith is a rapper who performs under the name Will SmithClifford Smith is a rapper who performs under the name Method ManThe reason I give the stage names and the birth names of these gentlemen is to bring it to your attention that rappers tend to be called Smith. Now, as if we needed any more reason to dub Warren Kizza Besigye the hip hop president again, behold:
“In a letter to the EC secretary Sam Rwakoojo, the Bugabula County MP, Moses Kizige, wants an investigation into why Besigye changed the name he used in 1967, Smith W. Besigye, to Kizza Besigye W. S.”
Chicki-chicki-check dis out
James Todd Smith is a rapper who performs under the name LL Cool J
Will Smith is a rapper who performs under the name Will SmithClifford Smith is a rapper who performs under the name Method ManThe reason I give the stage names and the birth names of these gentlemen is to bring it to your attention that rappers tend to be called Smith. Now, as if we needed any more reason to dub Warren Kizza Besigye the hip hop president again, behold:
“In a letter to the EC secretary Sam Rwakoojo, the Bugabula County MP, Moses Kizige, wants an investigation into why Besigye changed the name he used in 1967, Smith W. Besigye, to Kizza Besigye W. S.”
Chicki-chicki-check dis out
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)