Verbatim Vs Verbatim II

Our hero recruits a dog to help him keep the neighbourhood children from playing on his verandah and making a mess of it.

• So what's your name? What should I call you?
• Well, usually, the owner decides what name to give the dog, so I guess it’s up to you.
• Should I call you Snoop Dogg, or Lil Bow Wow?
• I don't mean to sound arrogant or anything, Baz, but I would much rather you came up with something a bit more imaginative. If I say my master just turned on Hot 100 FM and an instant later I was christened the other dogs in the neighbourhood might not treat me with respect, you see.
• I get your point.
• It’s like if your parents had decided to name you Baby Boy, or Little One.
• I said I get your point.
• Or Oddly-Shaped Head...
• I said I get the point. I will call you David Spade. He is an actor who plays characters with a lot of lugezigezi. Now, let me debrief you on your station.
• You mean my job as a dog? You don't need to bother. As with all animals, I have inbred instincts that ensure I know by intuition, and without any tutelage at all, what I am supposed to do.
• So you know what is expected of you?
• Perfectly. I am to scratch myself, make toilet in the yard, sleep all day and spend the nights awake howling at everything that moves, and some things that don't.
• You forgot one thing.
• Yes. I am also to accept food from you at regular intervals.
• No, the thing you forgot is that you are also supposed to prevent the neighbourhood vermin from getting on my verandah and making it untidy.
• So I am supposed to be a guard dog?
• That's right.
• Cool! So when anyone comes close to the verandah, I leap upon them and viciously maul and mangle them! Grr grrr! I grip their throats in my mighty jaws and crush their neckbones! Grrrr grrr!
• Um, I think that will be a bit on the drastic side of things. A simple bark or two to admonish would-be intruders will suffice. I mean, we are speaking here mostly of three year old children. She irritates me greatly, but not so much that I would want to see her mauled and mangled in the way you so gruesomely described.
• Oh, a little girl. Okay, then, well, I was just joking about all the mangling stuff, Baz. Hah hah. Of course I wasn't going to kill anybody. Hah hah!
• That's a relief to hear.
• I'll just bite a leg off, that's it. Just a leg.
• No, that will be cruelty to children. It is not acceptable. Not even in the case of an obnoxious brat like Lizzie.
• Okay. You drive a hard bargain. Fine. Two toes. That's my final offer.

Too late. Our hero walks off, leaving the dog behind, greatly upset at how much time he has wasted.