Exclusive! Season Five. Faster than you thought possible

The following takes place between the hours of 07:00 and 8:00am

Morning in Los Angeles. Morning bustle. Everybody is wearing sunglasses. The camera pans onto two men. The younger one wears a black suit and looks like Alfonso Arau. The other one is wearing a white T-shirt, a Lakers cap and jeans. He would look typical except that he has a long beard. They talk in low conspiratorial whispers. Then they get up and kiss each other on the cheek.
Around 7:55 there is an explosion. People scream. A black extra yells out something like “other duck hits”.
Tick Tick tock…

The following takes place between 8:00 and 9:00

At CTU, Chloe is eating a sandwich. Edgar is ordering fajitas online. Erin Driscoll is brooding about who she can fuck up. Suddenly a phone call comes in. The unnamed CTU staffer who picks it up shouts: “There’s been an explosion!”
When Jack Bauer hears this he says, “Oh, I know what that means.” And he races for the toilet.

The following takes place between 10:00 and like 5 or something

Jack Bauer kills 43 people and commits multiple felonies by directly disobeying orders 563 times before he finally discovers that he has been following a wrong lead: the two men kissing before the explosion, they were not terrorists at all. They were members of the Gay Anglican Church of Syria. They came to LA to get married. And catch a taping of Will And Grace.

The two Syrian gays announce their intention to sue for discrimination. President Palmer (Not Dennis Haysbert. Sherry, the evil wife. She got elected. Surprise!) is in a public relations bind. So President Sherry and Driscoll, who are sick to death of Jack and his insubordination, invoke Executive Privilege 404 of the Patriot Act which allows the Secret Service in conjunction with CTU to assassinate people.

The MIBs show up looking for Jack. They are shooting at him, but we know they won’t get him. It is only 5:55pm

The following takes place between the hours of 6:00 and like midnight

Jack manages to escape the secret service by dodging the bullets and then shooting back and killing them all. This is because, of all those who went through US government marksmanship training, Jack is the only one who actually learnt to shoot straight. Okay, him and Sidney Bristow.

He runs off. Yeah, Jack is a fugitive again. This time he goes where no one in their right mind would dare follow him: “Da Hood”. He goes to South Central. The exact same neighbourhood where Boyz N Tha Hood was filmed.

A bunch of gangstas show up planning to “jack” him. “Jacking” is a hip hop term meaning to rob. It is not just a bad pun. Will they actually succeed in their nefarious plan? It is 12:59.

The following takes place between one and five seconds past one:

Those gangstas think they are who? Jack Bauer pees on their prone corpses and laughs, “This is for ma homies!”

The following takes place between the rest of the episode.

The plot of Bullworth, but with more gunplay. Meanwhile, at CTU, Edgar and Chloe are playing footsie beneath the conference room table.

At around 5:30 someone remembers that they still don’t know who blew up the Café.

So they go into the hood to get Jack. Finally, he agrees to return to CTU. But he has been smoking marijuana with the Crips and has an STD so he can no longer function as the superagent. Marwan, the villain from season four, calls in and claims responsibility for the explosion. He taunts Jack, saying, “You should’ve killed me last year!”

The following takes place between 6:00 and I can’t believe you are still reading this.

Tom Cruise eats the placenta of his newborn baby. Sandra Bullock arrives at the Corner Café with her husband, the funnily-named Jesse James, because they want a Lattefrappochino. All they find is a bombed-out crater. Marwan is standing there, wondering when Jack is going to arrive for their showdown. It’s the season finale, for crying out loud. He doesn’t know that Jack has returned to the ghetto to smoke some more chronic.
Sandy points and says, “Hey, I know you! You’re that guy!”
Marwan, fearing that he has been recognised, pulls out a gun.
Sandy says, “The Mummy, right?”
Marwan shoots himself.