Andrew Mwenda Versus Ernest Bazanye

I have been jealous of that guy for pretty much all my career. Because it is not fair: why can’t I be taken seriously, too?
Well, if there is one way to beat him, it is in this, what we in the press call a “scoop”. A scoop is when one gets the big story before the competition.
(If you are through laughing at the notion of Mwenda considering me “competition”, may we continue?)
Here we go now: cutting edge, exclusive, so hot and fresh, I bring you the news even before it happens: a transcript of Yoweri Museveni’s inauguration. You know you can’t get this sort of dope from Monitor!

One damp morning at Kololo Airstrip.
Chubby bald man rolls up a little podium and bongas another man, who is wearing a wig and bathrobe.

Kags: Dude. It’s me. Back again.
Chief Justice: Welcome, sir. What’ll it be, the usual?
Kags. Yeah. Swear me in. Does Nandos deliver to Kololo airstrip?
CJ: Nasasira will sort that out. Okay, stand over there, put your hand on the Constitution. You know the drill.
Kags: It’s like riding a bike. Several times. Hey, you guys got a new Constitution!
CJ: It's the same one. We just changed it a bit. Now, repeat after me. I, Kagu…
Kags: Repeat after you? I already know the thing by heart. I Kagu hereby swear to run the country until next time when I come back to swear again.
CJ: I know declare you Still President of Uganda.
Kags: I could use a chicken pizza right about now. Where’s Nasasira?