Random Thoughts

1. Whatever Nick Horby is smoking, I want some.
2. England’s play was a little bit one-dimensional, don’t you think? I mean, the decision to emphasise on Wayne Rooney was perhaps a bit over-optimistic on Erickson’s part. Rooney is good, but he is not THAT good. (You see? I told you it is easy as shit to fake like you know you are talking about when it comes to World Cup.)
3. You don’t know how rich I am. I am that loaded. If I slapped you lightly with my ATM card, I could fracture your skull. I’m financially secure. I’m comfortably well-off. I stink filthily.
4. Winnie Byanyima? Sexy? You must be kidd—actually, come to think of it…
5. I used to be unkempt and scruffy. Now I make “the effort” as my formerly-dismayed matrons used to call it. I kind of like it. I am no longer a surly, grumpy cynical misanthrope. Now I am smug, materialistic, shallow, superficial yuppie scum!
6. Drugs are not all that bad.
7. Brazil's play was a little bit one-dimensional, don’t you think? I mean, the decision to emphasise on Ronaldinho was perhaps a bit over-optimistic on Scolari's part. Ronaldinho is good, but he is not THAT good.
8. The past no longer exists. The future does not exist yet. There is only the present. There is only ever the present.

Legislation of Love

The International Man Council, the governing body of all testosteral human beings on the planet, just released a special dispatch unto all. It comes straight from the desk of the presiding Grand Machismo, Butch Norris Shaka Bauer himself. So pay attention.
Grand Machismo Bauer is concerned with the increasing latitude with which men are beginning to approach the subject of feelings. A number of men have been reported for telling other men they love them. And not in a homosexual sense (which would not concern the IMC. Homosexuals do not fall under its jurisdiction).

Listen, men are NOT permitted to tell other men they love them. Ever.

Well, not never. There are situations which some laxity can be allowed. The IMC has compiled this list of situations when it is acceptable to tell another man that you love him:

Death Bed Scenario:
The dying man can receive your confession of affection. If your friend is dying, you may tell him you love him as he shuffles the mortal coil. However, he is not allowed to respond in kind. Dying men must not tell survivors that they love them until they enter into a spectral state, which, as we all know, is androgynous. Then they may haunt their friends by floating around like a white sheet scaring the crap out of them by moaning “I love you man,” in the middle of the night.

Marijuana High
It is acceptable only because it happens so much that there is no point in the IMC trying to stop it. When dudes are stoned they say they love everything. I once watched UTV when I was high.

Apologising for sleeping with his wife:
“It was an accident. Everything just moved to fast. I would never do anything intentionally to jeopardise our friendship. I mean, I love you man!”
If the other guy has a very heavy weapon in his hand, this speech might stymie him for a moment and give you precious seconds to draft a quick escape plan.

Pivotal Sports Victory
Or football goals. Just check to see that the other guy is also Italian before attempting kisses.

Commercial Break

And now it is celebrity endorsement time. Ring the celebrity endorsement bell and bring on our celebrity!

Dong! Dong!


Twish!




It’s former world heavyweight champion Lennox Lewis! What’s up Champ? You’re here to tell us about a couple of exciting new blogs you found recently.

LL: Privileged to be here, Baz. I had an absolutely delightful time reading http://scotchbiscuits.blogspot.com/and http://kentarocharlyn.blogspot.com/. Positively delightful. They are charming, witty, and totally engrossing.

Baz: I know Scotchbiscuits.

LL: That’s because you are the press and the press knows everything.

Baz: And Kentaro Charlyn? That name sounds familiar.

LL: Yeah. She’s Sandra’s sister.

Baz: Oh yeah. So, Lennox, will you be going back to the ring any time? Any plans of a comeback?

LL: No, sorry to disappoint you. I have enough money now, so there is no need.

Baz: And we’re running out of time. Give us your last word.

LL: This is Former World Heavyweight Champion Lennox Lewis. That’s right, the man who made Mike Tyson cry for his mommy. This is Lennox Lewis saying visit http://scotchbiscuits.blogspot.com/and http://kentarocharlyn.blogspot.com/. For an enriching blogsurfing experience.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

You take this ball, and put it in that net

I can’t be there watching twenty-two grown men chase a little bit of inflated rubber round a field. Yes, I know that is the third stalest joke in the world, but it’s world cup season. You are going to be hearing it all over the place for the next bunch of weeks. You should start getting used to it.

(Actually, I’m reminded that that should be twenty grown men. The goalies don’t chase the ball around) .

Time to get acquainted with the rest of the things we shall be hearing about. Like footballers, for example, Ronaldinho.

The estranged son of a Buenos Aires dental practitioner, Ronaldinho fell out with his father over his decision to keep his teeth bucked as hell. With his father’s words, “No esta dos mi cuando tumbavu cilabe Puffy!” (No son of mine shall walk around looking like Puff Fucking Daddy!) ringing in his head, Ronaldinho left Buenos Aires, and his family, and set off searching for a new home where he would be accepted as he is.

It was while trying to eke out a living as a flatfish vendor in Caracas that he first met Ronaldo. Vendor and customer forged a friendship based on the similarity of their names and their teeth.

Ronaldo inducted Ronaldinho into the secret Venezuelan chapter of Opus Dei, which sought to conceal the truth about the secret hidden behind the Mona Lisa’s smile. However, one tactless mistake from Binyo cost them both their membership. (He blurted out, “She’s trying to hide it, but I can see that she is as bucktoothed as me and my boy Ronaldo here!”) The pair were not only expelled from the club, they were disgraced and had to flee the nation in shame. Most of us thought they were dead, and we spat Good Riddance on their assumed graves (It’s an Opus Dei thing. You wouldn’t understand).

Imagine our surprise when, look who shows up in the Brazilian world cup squad…chasing a bit of inflated rubber round a field…

The Interview

“The true measure of civilisation is not told in how we treat our friends; it is in how we treat those that are not our friends. The standards of freedom are not defined by how we treat those who agree with us, but how we treat those who do
not.”

-Eminem-

We have a very special guest with us tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Mahmood Ahmedinejad!

MA: Yo! Word em up! What’s crackin’ y’all.

Baz: I should explain that the Iranian president is speaking through an interpreter who we located in the Bedford-Stuyvesant neighbourhood of Brooklyn, New York. Mr President, controversy has arisen over your desire to attend the FIFA soccer World Cup finals in Germany. There is quite a lobby of people who think you should not go.

MA: That’s some playa hatin’ right there. Why people be trippin like this? All I’m tryina do is get my game on, and people be trippin’!

Baz: The problem is what you stand for. You are widely viewed as an evil anti-Semite who wants to get nuclear weapons and blow up the world.

MA: Dawg! I just wanna rep my hood, Iran.

Baz: Let me put it to you directly—are you an evil anti-Semite who wants to blow up the world?

MA: Let me put this to you, dawg—ye aint ridin. Ye ain’t bumping like I’m bumpin. Ye ain’t fresh azimiz!

Baz: Can we get another interpreter please?

(Bit of kavuyo as interpreter is replaced).

Finally, Baz: Mr President, I repeat the question-- are you an evil anti-Semite who wants to blow up the world with nuclear devices?

MA: My opinion of the Jewish state is that it is a very nice place and I’m sure the people there are very sweet, and I actually like aspects of their culture and lifestyle. For example, what is the name of that rapper guy? The one who’s name is as hard to pronounce as my own? Matsushita? Whatever. I am not against everything Israeli. Just a bit here and there but I think we can work it out with a bit of talk, open-minded discussion, a bit of dialogue… Maybe over a bit of some nice Iranian chai, you know?

Baz: Interpreter, is that really what he said?

Interpreter: Okay, not really. I kind of polished it up a bit.

Baz: What did he really say?

Interpreter: Fuck Israel.

Baz: Sigh.

Intertpreter: And fuck Matisyahu