We'll Keep it Local Starting Tomorrow

Destiny’s Child has officially broken up, so it is time for science to turn attention to the question of what happens to Kelly Rowland next.

Five to six months of obscurity and silence. Then she appears, holding a small part in a big Hollywood movie. Unfortunately, the movie tanks, killing Kelly’s movie career before it even begun.

Drugs follow.

However, drugs are never the answer. Drugs cannot provide true love, happiness or fulfilment. They just launch you down a slippery tunnel to despair and defeat. Soon Kelly hits rock bottom. Shunned by the fans, despised by her friends and family, desperate for any substitute for real love, she grasps for the nearest available alternative: notoriety. She announces that she is writing a tell-all book about Destiny’s Child. The highlight of course, is the bits about what a beeyoch Beyonce really was and how she used to make the room service guys give her head.

At this point Beyonce’s solo career, though not as hot as it once was, is still sailing relatively smoothly. She has been signed to Roc-A-Fella/Def Jam and has a lot of marketing muscle pushing her new album Lucsious. She is on every talk show and every magazine and all over the fucking place and we are getting sick of her. This is the perfect time for Kelly’s book to come out.

The book comes out. It is quite lousy, but it sells, reviving Kelly’s spirit, and putting her back in the game. In no time she has her own TV talkshow.

The talkshow sucks so it flops. As did Beyonce’s album. Both drop off the radar. We think this is the end of the story.

Until, in 2014, when Kelly resurfaces—sort of. She is singing lead for a cult avant-garde jazz band in Madrid.