It was while under the impression that I was getting in touch with an official from the Ugandan government that I ended up receiving this phone call, which is what made me finally decide to leave Laurent’s land and return to my native Uganda. It was my duty. I had to save my country. Cos I am that sort of a guy, the Jack Bauer type.
WKB: Is this Baz, deadly ninja, lethal marksman and generally unstoppable ass-kicker?
Baz: It is I. Better recognise.
WKB: Great. I’m glad we caught you when you were still in the Congo.
Baz: Is this the gentleman from the Uganda government?
WKB: Not yet.
Baz: I beg your pardon?
WKB: This is Kizza Besigye. I have this organisation called the PRA based in the DRC, and we think it would be totally cool if you could, like, join us.
Baz: Warren, I am flattered that you should ask me, but I am sorry. I retired from the music business…
WKB: No, no. PRA is not a Lingala band—it is an insurgent group. It is an armed revolution—
Baz: You mean rebels?
WKB: I personally don’t like to think of us as rebels. I like to think of us more as liberators.
Baz: Warren, the last time we asked you, you said you don’t do those things of rebels.
WKB: I lied. Dude, let’s not quibble over those days. Let us talk about our future together.
Baz: Warren…
WKB: I mean you and us, the PRA. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Baz: I have to give you an absolute and final No Can Do on that one, sorry. I am a loyal and law-abiding citizen. I cannot participate in armed and extra-legal opposition to the government of the Republic of Uganda. Perhaps you should ask my buddy Mataachi.
WKB: Law-abiding? Baz, you are in the Congo hiding from the cops because you contracted a hitman!
Baz: First of all, it will soon come to light that that was not a real hitman, but rather it was a prank pulled by that devious Sidney, which means I just thought I was breaking the law, but in reality was not: my record is as pure as the driven snow. Secondly, resolving a small workplace dispute is different from plunging the entire country into the chaos and turmoil of a civil war!
WKB: Blah blah blah Yadda yadda. Since when? You know what I think, Baz? I think you’re chicken.
Baz: Fuck you. Come over here and call me chicken to my face.
WKB: No, way, dude. I might get bird flu, hanging with such a CHICKEN!
Baz: Quit calling me chicken. Your momma’s a chicken.
WKB: Chickie chickie chicken! Chicken-baz! Chicken-baz!
Baz: Warren, I swear, cut that out. I am not chicken.
WKB: Then prove it. Join PRA.
Baz: What do you think I am, seven years old? You think I am going to engage in illegal insurgent activity just to prove to your crusty ass that I am not chicken?
WKB: Who are you calling crusty, you chicken? Take that back before I come back to eastern Africa and beat you into chicken paste.
Baz: I shall not continue with this puerile schoolboy behaviour, Warren. In fact, you should stay put, because I shall be returning to Uganda presently, and the moment I get there, I am telling them about this little club your severely crusty ass is organising!
WKB: Listen, you impertinent little turd, I am a colonel. I served in war! I have been wild in the killing fields, I trod shit in Luweero! And I am coming to get you!
Baz: Come on back. We’ll only arrest your crusty, insurgent-recruiting ass the moment you get off the plane!
The rest you know.
WKB: Is this Baz, deadly ninja, lethal marksman and generally unstoppable ass-kicker?
Baz: It is I. Better recognise.
WKB: Great. I’m glad we caught you when you were still in the Congo.
Baz: Is this the gentleman from the Uganda government?
WKB: Not yet.
Baz: I beg your pardon?
WKB: This is Kizza Besigye. I have this organisation called the PRA based in the DRC, and we think it would be totally cool if you could, like, join us.
Baz: Warren, I am flattered that you should ask me, but I am sorry. I retired from the music business…
WKB: No, no. PRA is not a Lingala band—it is an insurgent group. It is an armed revolution—
Baz: You mean rebels?
WKB: I personally don’t like to think of us as rebels. I like to think of us more as liberators.
Baz: Warren, the last time we asked you, you said you don’t do those things of rebels.
WKB: I lied. Dude, let’s not quibble over those days. Let us talk about our future together.
Baz: Warren…
WKB: I mean you and us, the PRA. Get your mind out of the gutter.
Baz: I have to give you an absolute and final No Can Do on that one, sorry. I am a loyal and law-abiding citizen. I cannot participate in armed and extra-legal opposition to the government of the Republic of Uganda. Perhaps you should ask my buddy Mataachi.
WKB: Law-abiding? Baz, you are in the Congo hiding from the cops because you contracted a hitman!
Baz: First of all, it will soon come to light that that was not a real hitman, but rather it was a prank pulled by that devious Sidney, which means I just thought I was breaking the law, but in reality was not: my record is as pure as the driven snow. Secondly, resolving a small workplace dispute is different from plunging the entire country into the chaos and turmoil of a civil war!
WKB: Blah blah blah Yadda yadda. Since when? You know what I think, Baz? I think you’re chicken.
Baz: Fuck you. Come over here and call me chicken to my face.
WKB: No, way, dude. I might get bird flu, hanging with such a CHICKEN!
Baz: Quit calling me chicken. Your momma’s a chicken.
WKB: Chickie chickie chicken! Chicken-baz! Chicken-baz!
Baz: Warren, I swear, cut that out. I am not chicken.
WKB: Then prove it. Join PRA.
Baz: What do you think I am, seven years old? You think I am going to engage in illegal insurgent activity just to prove to your crusty ass that I am not chicken?
WKB: Who are you calling crusty, you chicken? Take that back before I come back to eastern Africa and beat you into chicken paste.
Baz: I shall not continue with this puerile schoolboy behaviour, Warren. In fact, you should stay put, because I shall be returning to Uganda presently, and the moment I get there, I am telling them about this little club your severely crusty ass is organising!
WKB: Listen, you impertinent little turd, I am a colonel. I served in war! I have been wild in the killing fields, I trod shit in Luweero! And I am coming to get you!
Baz: Come on back. We’ll only arrest your crusty, insurgent-recruiting ass the moment you get off the plane!
The rest you know.
Warren G. Not to be confused with Warren Kizza Besigye, Col (Rtd)
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